Earlier in the day, the Mate had his entry into this year's exciting mid-Atlantic 'Squid Games-Bake Off' accepted and set too in the galley to produce the first fresh bread of the passage, whilst both the skipper and purser were asleep in their bunks having their morning recovery snooze.
I can now reveal to my expectant and excited reader that the judges awarded the Mate the following points:
For perseverance and effort in challenging conditions - 10 plus a bonus point;
For ingredient logistics, planning and application skills - 5. His failure to consult the purser before he went off watch led to the use of out of date yeast, which as every baker worth his or her or their Salt, knows is a cardinal sin;
For committing a cardinal sin - a dozen lashes of the "Cat" at the grating at midday in front of the entire ship's company;
For technique - 10 points. The judges noted the exemplary fashion in which the Mate incorporated the vigorous rolling of the ship into his kneeding regime, thereby ensuring maximum compression of the dough at all times. Also observed was the Mate's ingenious use of clothes pegs to ensure the rising dough was contained in an air tight plastic bag stretched over the baking tin.
It should be noted however, that one of the judges marked the Mate down here, citing this technique as yet another example of the Mate's tendency to be a, too clever by half, smart arse. He then referred to the 1642 Charter of the Mid Atlantic Bake-Off and quoted: ".. any contestant found to be a too clever by half smart arse by a majority of judges shall be expelled from the competition and shall be whipped to within an inch of his or her or their life.
This extraordinary outburst, taken together with the afore mentioned triggering of 'Cardinal Sin' clause, immediately triggered a hastily arranged, 'in camera', judges' mediation conference. An unattributable source later reported scenes of "python-esc uproar, consternation and extraordinary silliness" as the judges struggled to reconcile the wording of the ancient constitution with the norms of civilised society. The panel appeared split down the middle with one group citing the example of the constitution of the USA giving every and any mad bastard the right to bare arms as evidence that the Mid Atlantic Bake Off had every right to be just as bloody crazy and stupid as the USA, with the other group saying that US constitution is in this day and age, is so patently anachronistic, that to cite it as evidence that "too clever by far smart arses" should be whipped to within an inch of their lives was self evidently very, very silly indeed.
Apparently at this juncture the skipper as Chairman, or Chairperson, or perhaps just a Chair, of the judges, called a halt to any further debate and said he would make a ruling on the matter once the panel had considered the matter of the "Cardinal Sin". It was further reported that this announcement and decision caused yet further uproar with some judges threatening to leave the competition and indeed the ship itself. However, after further consideration of their options in this regard, their instinct for self preservation overcame their indignation and order was restored.
Arguments (as in the repeated stating of bigoted and fanciful views as opposed to evidence based civil reasoning) were considered and the Mate was then summoned to defend himself.
In essence he did not dispute the facts of the case but pleaded mitigation. His error was committed out of concern for the Pursers welfare. He would have had to wake him up to find out where the fresh yeast was stored. "There you go" blustered the judge who had invoked the Cardinal Sin clause, "told you so, too clever by half, whip the bastard".
At this point, pandemonium broke out once again and order was only restored with some difficulty. The Mate was dismissed and consideration of his plea was given and eventually a majority decision to accept his plea was made.
An emergency majority ruling was subsequently issued which said "After a full and frank exchange of views and after full consideration of the evidence before them, the judges have ruled:
"A Cardinal Sin was committed by the Mate but after consideration of a plea of mitigation which cited his concern for the welfare of another member of the crew, the Mates punishment of a dozen lashes is commuted to a final written warning. Any repetitions will be punishable by two dozen lashings of the Cat.
In response to the very serious charge of being a "too clever by half smart arse". We find the Mate guilty BUT after very, very serious consideration of the punishment and the arguments for and against its implementation we have, on a majority decision, ruled that the Mid Atlantic Bake-Off Constitution shall be amended to remove the punishment "to be whipped within an inch of his or her or their life" and replace it with "a severe reprimand for being a very, very naughty boy, or girl or whatever you are"."
So, the Mate's final score was 26 points (out of maximum of 30), subject two written reprimands for behaviour likely to cause offence to other members of the crew.
A date for round 2 of the Mid Atlantic Bake-Off is to be announced when conditions are appropriate and communications possible, so keep a watch on this channel!
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